So you decided to get beat up as a hobby.
Maybe something inside you said, “My joints feel too good. I need someone to try to break them.” More likely you got really into Jocko or Rogan’s podcast. Maybe your heart got broken and instead of lifting you decided to be a street fighter.
Whatever the case, you’ve signed up for your first Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu* class. Some call it the Gentle Art, and they are liars. Others call it “human origami” or “the art of folding clothes while people are still in them.” My favorite is “Mexican ground-Karate.”
No matter what you call it, you have taken your first step in a wide world of memes, obsessing over pieces of tape, and knowing you can definitely take that guy but not that one.
This is your BJJ White Belt Survival Guide.
My name is Matt, and I was once like you. Weak. Fat. Blissfully unaware of peptides and cauliflower ear.
I’m still weak—and fat—but now I know how long I can go before blacking out when my friend tries to choke me to death (Answer: depends on how good my double chin defense is at the time).
At the time of this article, I have been training BJJ for four years. I am a blue belt (which is to say, I am a white belt that ought to know better), and a four-time bronze medalist in 3-man brackets in the Ultra Heavyweight Men’s Master’s 2 Division of the greater San Antonio area.
So of course that makes me an expert.
You don’t know any better yet, because you’re just a trial class guy. In the meantime, join me on my hopefully weekly updates where I help the new white belt learn not to be a spaz.
Content advisory: As the memes will prove, it is impossible to discuss Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu without using the words “gay” and “autistic.” If those words bother you, then you need to enroll in your first class. Also, please be advised I am a male, and I will write this from the perspective of a male. Everyone would agree I am not qualified to write from the perspective of a female, nor would you want me to. Oftentimes, “guy” and “dude” can be used interchangeably for a female.
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*Is the proper spelling Jiu Jitsu, Jiu-jitsu, or jujutsu? Just as the lion does not concern himself with the number of Zyn packets he has had that day, the Samurai does not concern himself with the proper spelling of his martial art when there are wrist-locks to be had. Just call it BJJ, nerd.
[…] can read part 1 of the white belt survival guide […]
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